For your reading pleasure, Clover’s Revenge has prepared a set of Christmas messages that might look familiar to some of our fans. We have provided messages from Ma, Da, lovely grannie, horrid grannie, a mean older brother, a conniving younger sister and the ubiquitous drunk uncle, to whom we will refer as ‘drunkle.’
We’ll spare you the ‘normal’ happy Christmas cards – we all got plenty of those – they’re not that much fun to laugh about.
“Survivable levels of guilt and shame” Christmas messages are, to some of us, quite frequent throughout our childhoods. They might look like this
From the Ma – Happy Christmas. I wouldn’t know how you are doing since you never call. Love, Ma.
From the Da – Happy Christmas. Send our love to the grandchildren. We have much higher hopes for them than you.
From the lovely Grannie – Happy Christmas, sweetheart. Here’s a lovely $2 bill!!
From the horrid Grannie – It’s Christmas and you are an ingrate. I’m finding new chores for you in the new year.
From the mean older brother – Happy Christmas. Here’s your coupon for no spit torture good through new year’s.
From the conniving younger sister – Merry Christmas. I know how you sneak in late at night from the pub, so you know the drill.
From the ubiquitous drunkle – Happy Christmas, kid. I gave your big brother four lottery tickets and told him to give half to you.
“Toxic levels of guilt and shame” Christmas messages are rare, but they are certainly present in the memory of most folks. They look a bit more like this. (note that lovely grannies get even lovelier at these times)
From the Ma – Happy Christmas. If you wanted to know how your mother was doing, she is in pain and wishes she could hear from her children, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll spare you the details.
From the Da – Happy Christmas. You should probably call your mother.
From the lovely Grannie – Happy Christmas, sweetheart. Here’s a lovely $100 bill. Don’t tell your mother
From the horrid Grannie – Your stocking is full of coal, and it’s better than you deserve.
From the mean older brother – It’s Christmas and that means it’s payback time.
From the conniving younger sister – Merry Christmas. Give me $50 or I spill the beans.
From the ubiquitous drunkle – Happy Christmas, kiddo. Better luck next year.
For those readers who can’t even conceive of a horrid grannie, here’s an exact quote, delivered honestly, by an unnamed member of Clover’s Revenge: My grandmother was a GORGON. She was the nastiest of all in our family. She is still famous for the phrase “Well, there was another ruined Christmas!”
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